My Story::Thankful Sister in Christ

I consider myself so fortunate today to be in a position able to share my account of the grace of our Lord has transformed my life. My life began somewhat normal and I emphasize the somewhat. I grew up in a family with two loving parents and an older brother.  Our family was dysfunctional but in some ways everyone’s family is.  I went to Sunday school every Sunday until I was in middle school, I would go to church if my Mom forced me to.  But that is about the extent of my Christian up brining. My mom has been the only figure in my family who expresses any love for the Lord, but she is quiet in her faith. God is a taboo subject in my family and is never discussed.   I never understood what a “relationship” with Jesus truly meant.  I would talk to God basically only if I wanted something, or wanted to thank Him for giving me MY way. And I thought the singing on Sunday would save my soul.  It was high school that I really started to fall away from any sort of contact with Jesus.  I started questioning if there really was even a God and if so why was there so much hurt and pain in the world.

My sorrows continued to deepen as my home life struggles continued to worsen. I don’t have healthy relationship with my dad.  And memories of home are not always happy ones. My dad comes from a long history of struggles and abuse and unfortunately he has never been able to be the father I know he wants to be.   I cannot bring myself to voice my anger I have towards him but its tough and some days it physically hurts. And my issues with him have been a struggle my entire life. I have always tried to become very numb to our family situation, my dads alcoholism, and the neglect, along with similar hardships. Throughout my entire life my Mom has been the most influential person.  She is such a brave and remarkable women.  It has always been Momma and me and I love her so much.  She has always been there and for a long time, she was enough.

It wasn’t until later in high school that I began to feel like something was missing.  I was searching for happiness, I was searching for a sense of belonging, I just wanted to feel like someone my age was on the same wavelength as I was. I liked feeling like I was a “good kid”, I enjoyed the excitement of getting good grades, and doing well in my classes.  I had plenty of friends, my weekends were always busy, and you would think this would have been enough.  Although I could never shake the feeling that I was incomplete.  During my sophomore year of high school is when things began to go further south.  My group of friends and I began drinking on the weekends, than the weeknights, than whenever alcohol was available. And the partying got out of control very fast. I experimented with things no 15 year old should have.  I would drink and become so oblivious, I would look in the mirror and think who is that? My morals and beliefs were nowhere, where they should have been.  I found my identity in the wrong types of things.  These new temporary highs quickly left me feelings even emptier than before.  I started to distance myself from the things I once have thrived on.  I built up walls higher than ever before and did not let anyone in.  I continue these surface friendships but kept to myself and became numb to what seemed like the entire world.  I used alcohol as an escape to hide from reality. No one really knew what I was thinking, no one really knew I cried at night, no one knew my parent’s marriage was falling apart, no one knew the things that went on at home and no one knew the smile was fake.  This was my high school career and although I had incredible relationship with my Mom.

I was missing the point and felt like the lights were on but nobody was home.   God at this point meant nothing; I would refuse to go to church, I wouldn’t pray, and the “Jesus Freak” kids annoyed me. I had far too many meaningless relationships and I always surprised myself on my lack of ability to feel emotion.  It wasn’t until my senior year something inside me snapped, literally snapped. Throughout high school my one passion was dancing.  I felt as though dancing was one of the only things I took pleasure in.  If things were tough, dance. If things were happy, dance. If things hurt to bad to face, dance.  You get the point.  I clung to dance as my one true obsession.  My senior year during a performance, I fell out of a toe touch and thought I had broken my leg off.  See what actually had happened was I tore my ACL from my femur, tore my MCL, and meniscus in 4 places, bone contusions.. the whole nine yards. My first thought was” Really God, my only delight and YOU took it away” After this accident it left me with having to undergo surgery along with physical therapy.  At this point I felt depressed.  I would talk to God and let Him know just how pissed off I was that this happened to me. I spent too much time alone in a giant brace, having a pity party for myself. I began questioning my existence, my life, my purpose, and who I really even was. I was overwhelmed with this enormous hunger and thirst for something more.  I kept thinking that there has got to be more than life than chasing down all of these temporary highs.  This is NOT as good as it gets.  I wanted to find the meaning of life, I kept thinking “this little light inside of me I want to let it shine” I just didn’t know how, I didn’t what to do, how to start.  I just knew something had to change, something drastic.

This is when God really began tugging on my heart.  I look back on my knee injury as sort of a freshening time in my life.  If hurting my knee is what needed to had to happen to get to where I am today, I would take the pain 1000X over. This overwhelming hunger and thirst began to feel satisfied.  The Lord began showing me the world in a whole new way, The sun shined a little brighter, the colors seemed more vibrant, I felt love and patience for other people even the ones I used to say I “hated”.  At this point I had graduated and I was still overwhelmed with the beauty of the world and I felt like I had a new life and a new way of looking at things.  God romanced my heart in a major way but I still lacked some fundamental keys of having a close relationship with Christ. All I new about the future was that Winona is where I would be going, I kept thinking isn’t it kind of odd that Winona is the only school you applied for Catherine and the only school you even considered. But God made me feel so at peace with this decision. In August I knew I wanted to explore my newfound faith even more.  I didn’t want to party, I didn’t want to do drugs and, I didn’t want a boyfriend for the first time in my life. I wanted my heart to be parallel with the heart of the Lord.  The first couple weeks of school proved to my why I made the choice to come here.  I was broken down, and forced to question things in my life that made me so uncomfortable.  Those first few months of school I was in such a vulnerable, weak state, and the Lord was forcing me to leave the old Catherine behind.  I had to forgive myself and take comfort in knowing I have been remade. I have met so many wonderful people with so many incredible stories in Winona.

I sometimes just stand with amazement, look up to the sky and can’t even believe the way I have changed, and how truly blessed I am.  The lessons I have learned in Winona are so numerous.  I don’t have a specific date I laid down my life to God, but instead I think of it as more of a season.  A season of change, transformation, love, joy, hurt, pain, grace, peace, amazement.  I surrender my life to follow Jesus.  I am not scared of dying just scared of dying without leaving anything behind. My goal obviously is not to live forever but to create something that will! I want to live each day with peace, love, grace, hope, just radiating from my soul to everyone I encounter.  Its now, its every step I take to glorify God with every inch of my being. I can’t even describe the liberation I feel realizing the life previously lead vs. the life the Lord is leading me on now.  I want to offer my hands, my heart, and my soul to whoever and whatever needs it.  The grace of God gave me strength beyond anything I could have imagined, his mercies begin fresh everyday and I am beyond thankful. The word of God is alive and moving and changing and when I took the time to step back and not get wrapped up in meaningless things that cloud my head. I CAN FEEL IT! I can feel His presence and they way he works and I love to just take the time to let if overcome me. I want to be a part of the movement. Let his glory and my soul move together. Become ONE. I can’t even describe the HIGH I am on. I have come out of the darkness to walk in the light.  Glory be to God.